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There are other kinds of loves and lovers, of course, like the one
who searches for a physical ideal--a great body or some specific bodily
feature--or the one who is so possessive he/she wants to control the
other person and gets physically sick or depressed or does foolish
things when the relationship seems threatened.
Perhaps you can easily tell which type of lover you are. If not, take
the test (Lasswell & Lobsenz, 1980). You might also realize what kind
of love you want to receive. You are probably wondering what kinds of
love make the best combinations. According to Lasswell and Lobsenz,
best friend partnerships work well, so do two logical lovers or a best
friend-logical combination. What are likely to be mismatches? A
romantic and a best friend (or a logical) lover may have problems
because they certainly do not show love in the same ways. One wants
to be wooed with candlelight dinners and passionate love-making; the
other wants to have a quiet evening at home reading and planning a
trip or a new house. Even a romantic lover may not please another
romantic; indeed, romantic lovers will be unhappy if they do not find
new ways to show love after three or four years when the thrills and
sexual throbs have subsided (Lasswell & Lobsenz, p. 144, 1980).
Likewise, the combination of a possessive and a best friend will be a
clash of styles--one stormy and one easy going. If the possessive is
gone for a while, she/he will be bothered that the best friend didn't
miss her/him more, "If you loved me, you would have missed me a
lot!" As one would expect, game players and possessive lovers are
hard for anyone to love. Many lovers don't clarify what they need;
they expect the lover to read their minds. They hesitate to say, "You
can do this ______ to make me feel loved" and eventually end up
saying, "When you do this ______ I know you don't love me."
Women give sex to get love; men give love to get sex.
People who are sensible about love may be incapable of it.
Three dimensions of love
Robert Sternberg (Bennett, 1985) at Yale has a theory that there
are three components to love: (1) Intimacy = baring souls, sharing,
liking, and bonding (a slowly developing emotional-interpersonal
involvement, as in a friendship). (2) Passion = sexual attraction (an
instant or quickly developing motivation or addiction which usually
declines over the years to a stable level). (3) Commitment = stable,
dependable devotion (a slowly developing cognitive decision to stick by
the other person in bad times, as in a marriage). Different mixtures of
these three parts determine what kind of love it is, e.g.:
