motivated career-oriented women had less need for power, felt more
need for close relationships, liked college, got higher grades, and, in
general, seemed to be more secure (Winter, Stewart & Mc Clelland,
Unfortunately, there is little research about the details of the many
struggles for control that occur in marriages: Who will do the laundry?
cook supper? change the diaper? go to the store? handle the money?
decide when to buy a car? get a degree first? initiate sex? plan the
social life? make the big decisions? Yet, we do know that even after
women go to work full-time and should have more "power," they still
do more than 50% of the child care and housework. Certainly, falling
in love doesn't perform miracles and erase forever the desire to have
one's own way, although for the first few months of courtship the self-
centered tyrant is amazingly transformed into an accommodating
charmer. It helps in marriage if you both have similar interests and
values, equal educations, equal incomes, and are truly willing to
compromise. When a disagreement arises, be sure to consider
together the pros and cons of several alternatives. Don't get locked
into a win-lose battle where either I win and you lose or the reverse.
Strive for win-win innovative or compromise solutions (see negotiating
in chapter 13 and Campbell, 1984). Jones and Schechter (1993) guide
women around impossibly dominant relationships so she can reclaim
her own life.
Understanding and handling jealousy
Most of us have experienced Shakespeare's "green-eyed monster"-
-jealousy. In its intense forms, it is a horrible, tormenting obsession.
Often in a crisis we'd like to kill the person who tries to take our lover
away. It is estimated that 20% to 35% of all murders involve a jealous
lover (White and Mullen, 1989; Pines, 1992b). A third of all couples in
therapy have a problem with jealousy. It is common for a jilted lover
to threaten suicide, and some do it. Certainly power is involved; we
want the power to keep our lover to ourselves exclusively. Just as
falling in love seems "natural" and unlearned, so does jealousy. It just
comes over us when someone or something (like work, TV, or sports)
threatens our love relationship. Of course, it isn't always painful and
crazy-making, sometimes it's milder and fun--a tease--and a sexual
turn on, as in swapping partners. We will focus on the more intense,
unpleasant kind. How does it differ from envy and rivalry?
There isn't a clear-cut distinction between jealousy and envy but,
in general, jealousy is experienced when something you have (e.g. a
lover) is taken away or is threatened by someone else. Envy is when
you do not measure up to someone else or you very much want
something someone else has (e.g. an attractive lover, a sports car,
success, a sexy build, etc.). Rivalry is when no one yet possesses the
thing you desire (a particular person or position or status) and there is
keen competition for the desired goal. Obviously, all of these feelings