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even more problems, the child him/herself probably has distorted
perceptions of the parents' interactions and many children go beyond
mere misperceptions into gross distortions and horrible fantasies about
their parents' relationship, e.g. possibly imagining that the angry spats
of their parents could turn into dangerous out-of-control rages, making
the child very afraid of having disagreements with anyone (as a child
or later as a spouse/lover).
As Freud observed, we are, for unclear reasons, prone to repeat
the disturbing problems we observed or experienced in the past--
presumably so we can try to find a way to resolve the troubling
situation. However, if we come to realize what we are doing, for
instance, carrying our distorted fears as a child into our own marriage,
maybe we could find a way to avoid this "repetition neurosis." Siegel's
book should, at least, help some people review their childhood
experiences of their parents' marriage and, hopefully, find the
childhood origins of their current difficulties with intimacy. Siegel's
basic purpose, however, is to help parents realize that their children
are not only affected by the child's relationship with each of them as
individuals but also deeply affected by the way they see Mom and Dad
relating.
Loveless marriages: Lasting doesn’t mean loving
With divorce being common, why would anyone stay married to
someone he/she didn't love or even like? There are lots of reasons,
according to Florence Koslow, a well known marriage counselor. This
would include the same reasons young people do not break
engagements or leave boy/girlfriends when they suspect they haven't
made the best possible choice. If there are children, there are powerful
reasons to stay married, even if the marriage is strained or dead. Even
in a loveless marriage both parents can preserve their close
relationships with the children. Divorces often strain and even destroy
parent-child relationships as well as terminate a marriage (see the
discussion of step-parents later). Many people are also trapped in
marriage by their own fears: fear of the unknown, fear of losing status
(people gain status by marrying an attractive, successful partner), fear
of criticism, fear of being alone, fear of intimacy and sex with someone
new, fear that all marriages are unhappy, fear of losing income, fear of
doing harm to the children, and a fear of raising children alone. These
are serious matters to consider.
Unfaithfulness
Even though surveys vary greatly in their estimate of infidelity
(from 25% to 70% of partners), the Kinsey Institute estimates that
about 35% of husbands and 30% of wives have been unfaithful. Janus
