Psychological Self-Help

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aggressively use all the methods--they won't take no for an answer,
and may even threaten, shout, and demand, (2) the "rational ones"
rely only on hard facts, logical analysis, careful plans, and
compromise, (3) the "pleasers" actively persuade others but mostly
"politic," focusing on offering "pay offs," flattery, and personal charm,
and (4) the "onlookers" mostly stay out of the controversy. 
In a second study, Schmidt and Kipnis (1987) found that the
"steam rollers" got the lowest job evaluations, contrary to what is
taught by some Business Schools. Male "steam rollers" were disliked
even more than female "steam rollers," contrary to the common notion
that pushy women are the most resented. Sexism does occur,
however, when you ask, "Who got the best job evaluations?"
"Rational" men and "Pleaser" or "Onlooker" women! Conclusion: men's
ideas and women's quiet pleasantness are valued, not women's ideas
nor men's pleasant passivity. 
Note what methods you use to influence people in different
situations. Consider the possible advantages of using the rational
approach. Nasty aggressive tactics put others down while soft tactics
may put you down. Practice relating to others as intelligent,
reasonable equals and in a manner whereby both of you can be
winners. Refer to method #16 in chapter 13 for more about influencing
others through persuasion. 
No human relation gives one possession in another--every two souls are absolutely
different. In friendship or in love, the two side by side raise hands together to find what
one cannot reach alone.
-Kabil Gibran
Unconscious controlling of others
The manipulations described above involve conscious, overt control
(requesting, persuading, buying off, threatening) or conscious-to-the-
controller but hidden-to-the-victim control (deception). Beier and
Valens (1975) concentrate on a third kind of control--unaware control.
Neither controller nor controlee realizes the purpose or goal (like in
"games"). The authors say unconscious control is the most common,
powerful, and effective control. Many forms of unaware control are
learned by young children: cuteness, weakness, illness, fear, anger,
sadness, goodness, giving, love, etc. These acts and feelings can all be
used to subtly influence others. There is obviously no quick, conscious
defense against this control, because we don't know what is happening
or how. Is there any defense at all? Yes, learn how to detect the subtle
control, then extinguish it by preventing the payoffs. It can be done. 
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