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Of course, our fantasies are often unrealistic. Masters, Johnson &
Kolodny (p. 348) tell an interesting story of a "groupie" who always
fantasized about Mick Jagger while having sex with other musicians.
Eventually she had a chance to go to bed with Mick Jagger himself. To
her surprise she had to use her fantasy because he wasn't nearly as
good as she had imagined. Two other kinds of "forbidden" fantasies
are fairly frequent--watching others have sex (perhaps a group orgy)
and having sex with someone of the same sex. It comes as a surprise
to some people that rape fantasies occur to about 24% of men and
36% of women (Knox, 1984, p. 283). Over 10% of women report that
being forced to have sex is their favorite sexual fantasy (Doskoch,
1995). Remember, fantasies are not wishes! The rape fantasies of
women may reflect a desire, not to be hurt, but to be attractive, to be
passive, and to avoid the responsible for the sexual act. For unclear
reasons, a few men and women find it sexy to inflict pain or to
experience it. Conquest and/or humiliation fantasies are also common,
i.e. to control a subordinate, to force someone, to be forced, to be
seduced to have sex. Power, denial of responsibility, and anger get all
mixed up with sex in fantasy--and maybe in real life.
Casual, passing sexual thoughts hurt no one and probably are
important in maintaining year after year a healthy, loving interest in
sex play with our lover. If hurtful, inconsiderate, or violent thoughts
become obsessions which could influence your behavior, that is
potentially dangerous (seek treatment). But, having sexual fantasies
(or dreams) you would never act out is not abnormal.
Choosing Your Sexual Lifestyle
Avoiding being forced or pressured by anyone
For 3,000 years, at least, sexual attitudes have shifted back and
forth from permissive to restrictive. In spite of all this experience,
debate, and moralizing, we still have very little scientific knowledge
about the outcome--the results or the pros and cons--of different
sexual attitudes and actions. Man would rather preach (pontificate) to
others about how to live than to scientifically investigate the
consequences of specific actions in real life.
Being pressured or persuaded
Many of us ruminate indecisively for months or years about
whether or not to have sex. Others of us decide in a matter of seconds
to have sex. Others are absolutely certain they shouldn't and won't
have sex, and never entertain any other thoughts. In any case, the
decision is not simple. We are influenced by many people: our parents,
