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Also ask: Did some good come from your wounds and the healing
process thus far? Have you gained any deeper understanding of
yourself or of the person(s) or events that caused your wounds? Do
these deeper understandings help you think of forgiving some of the
wrongs and wrong-doers? Can you see how "putting it behind you" or
forgiving someone could help you escape constant victimhood?
Fifth myth: At this point in life I am held prisoner by my wounds. I
can't change. My situation is hopeless. Why try if changing is
impossible?
Ask yourself: Could it be that believing you can't change makes it
easier for you to escape the pressure to change and the hard work of
changing? If you realized that thousands of studies show that people
can change, would you be more optimistic? Would it be helpful if you
knew more about how people with problems and backgrounds like
yours have changed? Can you find ways to be more understanding,
more loving, and more positive about the future, even if it involves
scary changes?
Summing up
Bad memories and thoughts can't be entirely erased but you can
reduce their frequency and stop them from dominating your life. Also,
if a mental image (memory of some event) has been connected with a
strong emotion--fear, sadness, anger, guilt or whatever--there are
methods of reducing the emotional reactions so that one can have the
thought without the intense emotion. These methods would include
A variety of other specific techniques have already been
mentioned, but more importantly you should carefully consider all five
of the major aspects of any problem--the behavior involved (the
repetition of disturbing thoughts), the emotions aroused (unhappiness,
anger or rage, stress, dependency), the skills you need to learn to use
(interpersonal relations), the thoughts that are involved (pessimism,
self-esteem, irrational ideas, straight thinking), and ways to gain
insight (open-mindedness, self-analysis, autobiography). I hope you
will be motivated enough to learn a lot about yourself and about the
many methods for coping with the treacherous and catastrophic
phases of life.
Finally, I want to be absolutely clear that support groups
and psychotherapy are wonderful sources of help. Please make full
use of them. The point of this section is that these therapies are
not permanent solutions to be used for the rest of your life. Within
a matter of several months, these sources of valuable help should
have delivered their benefits. My aim would be to help you get on
with life.
