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thought that out very well; it's too busy denying and defying. For the
moment, that's apparently the best we can do. Regardless of what we
think happens after death, we should assure that every life ends with
dignity and honor in recognition of a significant life.
There are many self-help books in this area, even though
research-wise we don't know a lot about coping with death. There are
even self-help books for the dying (White, 1980; Huntley, 1991, for
children), for people trying to understand death (Kramer & Kramer,
1994), for people wanting to die with dignity (Weenolsen, 1996), and
for persons with terminal illness wanting to die quickly (Humphry,
1991). Warning: Some people with depression and no terminal illness
have killed themselves in ways described in the latter book.
Depression can be relieved; no depressed person should kill
themselves without first trying extensive medical and psychological
treatment. Mental Health professionals denounce Humphry's book also
because it seems to neglect the consequences to relatives of a suicide.
There are also books for the survivors (Caplan & Lang, 1995; Stearns,
1993; James & Cherry, 1989; Staudacher,1987), including specifically
widows (Caine, 1990), young children (Palmer, 1994; Goldman, 2000;
Dougy Center Staff, 1999; Johnson & Johnson, 1998; Worden, 1996;
Kroen, 1996; Buscaglia, 1983—age 4-8; Moser, 1998—age 4-8;
Romain, 1999—age 5-10), and adults who lose a parent (LeShan,
1988), and for consoling the survivors (Zunin & Zunin, 1991). The
death of a child is especially hard to handle, so see Donnelly (1982)
and DeFrain, Ernst, Jakub & Taylor (1991). For those struggling with
why God burdened them with a death, read Kushner (1981) who
denies God's omnipotence in order to affirm that God is good and will
help humans find the strength to bear great losses. Grief following a
suicide is also very difficult to handle (see Neff & Pfeffer, 1990). Other
books to aid the grieving are cited above.
Children and Grief
I have remembered very few stories for many years, but this one I
have remembered and still cry when I think of it. I have no idea where
I read the story, possibly in Readers Digest. Many people believe that
children don’t know how to relate to a grieving person or how to
handle death. This is sometimes true, sometimes it isn’t.
Two four-year-old girls, Betsy and Lori, were next-door neighbors
and the best of friends. They loved to play on the sidewalk in front of
their homes. They were careful to avoid the street. But, one hot
summer day, Lori was playing alone and for some reason ran between
the parked cars. She was hit by a car and instantly killed. Of course, it
devastated Lori’s family but everyone on the block, who knew the girls
and had watched them play so well together, was deeply upset. The
neighbors sensed the grief that filled Lori’s house but they didn’t know
what to do, except attend the funeral and express their condolences as
