Psychological Self-Help

Navigation bar
  Home Print document View PDF document Start Previous page
 146 of 167 
Next page End Contents 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151  

and to achieve an orgasm. This is why 20% of women prefer
oral sex to produce an orgasm. The clitoris is located about an
inch in front of the opening to the vagina. Talk to each other
about what the clitoris needs to feel good. After some
experience, a vibrator frequently provides the best stimulation
to the clitoris. 
Remember: love making is not a test or contest, not a time to
measure or count any thing. It's a time for care-free play, a
focus on love, and a time to have fun. 
In long-term relationships, love, liking, and sex are closely tied
together. Throbbing sexual arousal isn't likely to occur if the lovers
have been bickering all day (although 25% to 35% of couples "make
up" by making love). But good sex increases the love ("makes love")
and reduces the tension (McCarthy, 1982). In general, couples who
have an egalitarian relationship have the best sexual adjustment
(Hatfield, et al, 1982). If sexual intercourse is done with tenderness
and enthusiasm, if it occurs in a comfortable setting, if both parties are
without guilt and concern about pregnancy, it can be one of life's
greatest joys, a wondrous event, a cherished memory, a fantastic way
to bond with another human being. While all this is true, there are
some couples who love each other deeply and enjoy each other's
companionship without having much interest in sex. 
You mustn't force sex to do the work of love or love to do the work of sex.
-Mary McCarthy
Needless to say, if sex is done roughly and selfishly, if one person
is deceived or hurt, if it results in an unwanted pregnancy, intercourse
can be a horrible experience. Also, like all good experiences, sex can
be diminished by expecting too much. Sex with the same person, in
time, inevitably loses some of its wild excitement; this should be
expected and accepted, not taken as a sign of a loss of love. Intense
excitement is replaced by comfort and security. Also, if we get
"performance anxiety" and push ourselves to achieve 2 or 3 climaxes
or to reach simultaneous orgasms (see Knox, 1984, p. 302), we have
to work too hard and set the stage for being disappointed. Once we
become a full-time "spectator" observing, coaching, and criticizing our
own sexual performance or our partner's, rather than flowing with the
feelings, we are in trouble. Worry and anxiety are not a part of good
Previous page Top Next page

« Back