Psychological Self-Help

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1052
partner's hands. Intercourse is still prohibited. In the final stage, the
massaging and fondling leads up to the woman getting on top and
playing with the penis, guiding it to, around, and away from her clitoris
and vagina. The idea is to focus on and enjoy the sexual sensations
but remain comfortable and without any pressure to perform.
Eventually, intercourse occurs naturally. 
The best aphrodisiac is know-how which results in an enthusiastic, horny partner.
Three other comments need to be made about this problem. First,
some people misunderstand their own sexual feelings early in love
making. If they do not get "turned on" right away, they conclude they
aren't "in the mood." If foreplay were continued, however, they are
likely to respond. Second, your sexual drive depends on how much you
think about sex (in a positive way). If you are under pressure at work,
your sexual urges will certainly be less than if you are telling dirty
jokes with your co-workers or interacting with your attractive co-
workers of the opposite sex all day. So, spend more time thinking and
fantasizing about sex, see more sexy movies, read sexy books,
exchange jokes, create provocative daydreams and so on. The mind is
the best aphrodisiac. Third, sexual inhibitions or aversions, such as
disliking masturbation or oral sex (actually preferred by 10% of men
and almost 20% of women), can be overcome by desensitization
and/or covert conditioning (see chapter 12). For example, repeatedly
think about the aversive activity while relaxing or while enjoying some
other sexual activity (Byrne, 1976). This is usually effective after
several 15-minute fantasy sessions. If not, just agree to avoid the
distasteful activity... or see a sex therapist. 
 
Male problems—premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction
Men, in general, talk about their sexual conquests but not their
sexual concerns. They tend to keep up the strong male image,
including the impression that they are fantastic in bed and that they
have no problems (except they "can't get enough"). Yet, males usually
feel responsible for sex--for approaching the woman, arranging the
place, skillfully handling the foreplay, and producing both orgasms.
Moreover, too many macho males think sex is all that really matters in
a relationship; sharing feelings and problems, being tender and caring,
doing things together that she likes to do, getting to know each other
deeply, etc. are seen too often as silly women's stuff. These men just
don't get it: good loving is not in the penis, it is in the heart and the
mind. If sex were just coming to a climax, then we'd just masturbate.
Sex is a mental-interpersonal process, not just a brief physical act.
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