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Keep watching for opportunities in casual conversations to express
a feeling or an opinion tactfully. Act quickly, as soon as you are aware
of a feeling say, "I am feeling..." Most people are interested in genuine
feelings, especially if the feelings involve them. It is nourishment for
growing friendships.
Tell yourself that one of the best ways to resolve a conflict is for all
relevant factors to be considered in arriving at a "no-lose" solution
(see method #10). Your feelings, needs, and preferences are
important factors! So are the other person's. Feelings have to be
shared, diplomatically.
Time involved
The idea of an "I" statement is easy, monitoring your thinking and
speech to catch blaming, judging, controlling "you" statements is not
easy. This takes time. If you have a problem in this area and carefully
concentrated on it for a week, you would be expressing yourself
differently.
Common problems
Many of us experience such strong (unexpressed) needs to be
blameless, to blame the circumstances or others, to change others and
so on, that it is difficult to avoid using whatever "power" we think we
have to control others. "You" statements seem to come naturally.
If you decide to openly disclose some strong feelings, many people
will quickly urge you to suppress your feelings. For example, if you tell
a person, "I'm really depressed," the person is likely to say, "Cheer
up!" or, in other words, "Don't talk about it." Strong emotions make
some people uncomfortable; disclose slowly with them.
It is quite common for a beginning psychology student to become
so obsessed with what words he/she is using that the concern with
how-to-say-it is inhibiting. A learner can lose his/her emotional
spontaneity for a while, until the new skill is well learned. Later, you
will be a better communicator of feelings than ever before--at least
more clear and tactful. Another confusion is that empathy responses
(method #2) are often "you" statements. However, "you feel..." in
empathy is a tentative, inquiring statement, whereas "you are..."
statements are dogmatic oversimplifications. There is a big difference
in intent, if not in actual words.
In some cases, depending in part on your tone of voice and
demeanor, an "I" statement may not differ greatly from a "you"
statement. If a parent yells, "I feel furious and want to beat the hell
out of you when you don't do your work and get smart-alecky," this is
similar to "You are a smart-mouthed, defiant little punk." Blame is
clearly indicated in this angry "I" statement, and it certainly makes
demands on the child. This can become a power struggle. Ideally, non-
