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other hand, our society provides many examples of violent fighters,
including sport heroes, war heroes, movie and TV stars, criminals, and
others. Not all aggression is expressed openly, as a sin of commission;
some disdain is surely expressed by the lack of action, i.e. a sin of
omission (letting children starve and die from preventable diseases,
providing 16 years of education to some people and none to others,
etc.).
In chapter 7, two basic types of aggressive people were described:
passive-underhanded people and aggressive-nasty people. The passive
person, a "swallower," who is mad, will give you the silent treatment
and say,” nothing’s wrong." He/she will promise to help but will just
not be there when you need them. He/she will seem friendly but talk
behind your back. He/she will spy on you, then suddenly dump on you.
The aggressive person, a "spewer," will openly raise hell with you,
complaining or nagging to your face. He/she will work him/herself into
a rage telling you your shortcomings. He/she relishes catching you in
another mistake. He/she demands to know what you are doing and
provides a free psychoanalysis for everything you do. He/she will make
a nasty remark just before leaving, apparently enjoying the thought of
you being upset while he/she is gone. Are you a swallower (passive-
aggressive) or a spewer (openly hostile)?
There are different professional opinions (and, as yet, little
scientific evidence) about how to handle one's anger towards a spouse
(see chapter 7). Some therapists are against fighting and say to wait
until you have cooled down, then discuss it calmly and ask the partner
for help with the problem. Others say that all couples should fight,
only fight fairly. Bach and Wyden (1968) in The Intimate Enemy say
that fair fighting opens lines of communication, lets us blow off steam,
helps us know ourselves, lets us be our real (sometimes angry) selves,
leads to greater security because we know what is really going on in
the relationship, enables us to change things (have equal power) in
the relationship, and produces a more alive, honest and intimate love
relationship.
There are ways to express anger constructively, involving
assertiveness and "I" statements and other rules for fair fighting.
Because you don't attack the other person in a vicious, win-at-all-cost,
dirty way, the conflict doesn't escalate into a destructive battle. Yet,
you express your feelings without losing control (rage or total
bitterness) and you "fight for change" that is fair to him/her and you.
For some people, greater love can be the outcome of a fair fight. We
all have different ways of coping.
Purposes
To express your anger clearly and directly without hurting your
partner or yourself or the relationship. In a non-threatening
way, let a lover (or friend) know why you are upset.
