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merely a part of intimate, genuine, frank communication in a mutually
accepting, empathic, caring relationship. It isn't like therapy where the
patient does all the disclosing and the therapist mostly listens. You
must be just as interested in the other person's feelings, problems and
opinions as you are in expressing your views, emotions and needs.
Self-disclosure is not primarily disclosing old family secrets, old affairs,
embarrassing psychopathology or pulling other skeletons out of the
closet; it is openly but discreetly revealing to your friend what you
are thinking and feeling right now, often how you are responding
to his/her actions. Thus, much of your self-disclosure consists of
giving feedback to the other person. Because you value the
relationship, you are naturally concerned about the effect your
disclosures will have on your friend and on your relationship. You don't
disclose everything, especially not hurtful, upsetting or useless
feedback. But his/her feedback to you is vital for your growth, and
your feedback is helpful to your friend. Johnson (1981) lists several
general rules for giving feedback:
(a) Your feedback should be non-threatening. So, describe
the friend's behavior, not his/her personality or motives.
Example: "You talked a lot at the meeting" is better than
"You're a very dominant person" or "You crave attention."
(b) Focus on the specific situation here and now, don't
make broad generalizations or focus on the past. Example:
"You seemed preoccupied or uninterested when I was just
talking" is better than "You never pay attention to me."
(c) Do not give feedback if it isn't requested, if it can't be
accepted, if it isn't usable, and if it isn't likely to result in the
person feeling better about him/herself and about you. Good
feedback to another person focuses on his/her strengths, not
faults. Constructive comments help people grow, reach out,
feel good and try new things. Critical, judgmental comments
inhibit others. Avoid psychologizing and analyzing (see chapter
9).
McKay, Davis and Fanning (1983) say a complete disclosure
includes your observations, your opinions, your feelings and your
needs. Without complete disclosure people can't know the real you.
Often only part of the message is expressed and other parts are
implied; this may cause confusion or ill feelings. Example: "Do you
have to be so wild at parties?" This vague question actually means
several things: (a) "I saw you drinking a lot and hugging all the
men/women." (b) "I think you look like you are on the make even
though you came with me to the party." (c) "I feel embarrassed and
angry when you neglect me while you are flattering the other
men/women." (d) "When we go to parties, I want you to spend some
time with me, don't drink so much, and stop coming on to everyone."
In summary, don't hint around, every disclosure should include four
clear statements: I see the situation this way... I conclude... I
feel... I prefer... (see method #4).
