Try your best to avoid thinking negatively about the partner,
especially watch out for blaming the other person for your
problems. Examples: "I might have a climax if he were a better
lover." "If he loved me, he'd take more time, whisper sweet
nothings in my ear, and massage my back." "If she loved me
and wasn't such a prude, she'd play with my penis a lot."
"He/she never wants sex, he/she must have a problem
(gay/lesbian, feels inadequate, ashamed of his/her body)." The
stereotypes and negative thinking frequently hide our own
feelings of inadequacy: "It's not my fault, he/she is the one to
blame." You need to understand what is really going on.
Use "I" statements when expressing a concern (see chapter
13). This shows you accept responsibility for your own feelings.
It shows that you are hoping to work cooperatively to solve the
Use empathy responses when the partner talks about problems
(see chapter 13). This helps get the true underlying problems
out on the table. Remember nothing kills sexual urges as fast
as resentment and depression.
Use books as a stimulus for discussing sex. They may help you
see the problem from another angle, suggest factors you had
not thought of, and offer you a variety of solutions to consider
with your partner.
Often it is much more effective to show your partner how to do
something, rather than trying to tell him/her. If the woman will
guide the man's hand as he touches her clitoris, he will more
quickly understand what she wants. Likewise, the man can
show the woman how he masturbates and then guide her
hands so she knows she is doing it just right.
Don't expect things to stay the same; how a couple makes love
tends to change from time to time. Don't expect perfection--but
you do have the right to a good sex life. Talk about trying new
things. And don't forget to laugh too.
Homosexuals are emotionally and/or physically attracted to
persons of the same sex. It sounds like a simple, straight-forward
definition, but what if you are strongly attracted to your own sex but
don't act on it, does that make you a homosexual? What if you seek
affection with one sex but physically desire sexual activity with the
other? What if you are sexually attracted to both sexes? What if
consciously you have only heterosexual thoughts and actions but
unconsciously desire sex (or relationships) with the same sex? You can
see that this labeling problem could become complicated.
How common is homosexuality? Strangely enough, we don't know!
For years it was thought that about 10% of us--males and females--
were drawn almost exclusively to our own sex, but recently some