Psychological Self-Help

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hurt or too angry to interact without rancor. This kind of tough,
unsympathetic, self-centered, often manipulative, deceptive and
hostile negotiating involves great skills, much like a lawyer's work. But
they are not the skills I want to teach you. Table 13.1 summarizes a
list of guidelines for tough "win-lose" bargaining, i.e. for maximizing
your gain and "ripping off" the other person (and then trying to make
the victim feel okay about the outcome). Many people will say,
perhaps accurately, that those rules are common and useful in the real
world. Use the rules if you have to, but I prefer to encourage another
"Win-win" negotiating is a complex process for resolving conflicts,
a way of fairly settling a disagreement. It isn't getting the best deal for
me; it is finding the best solution for us. The conflict could involve a
lover, your own children, a parent, a friend, a co-worker, a teacher, a
boss, or almost anyone. This involves respectfully discussing as equals
the general situation with the other person, so you can understand
his/her situation and interests. You must suspend your judgment and
needs; you must "hold your fire" and listen to the other side; you must
see their viewpoint and know their needs. Integrative solutions
require both sides to carefully identify how their preferences are
different and how they are similar. Then a solution is built on the
similarities--similar ways of doing things, similar values, and similar
desired outcomes. Both parties must view the conflict as a problem to
be solved by them in the best way possible, not just fairly but
optimally, even creatively. You both should be open and honest, not
deceptive and manipulative. Trust must be built. You both work hard
together to develop a wise, workable, "win-win" solution. It is not
If an attempt to find a cooperative, integrative solution fails, you
could seek professional help with the mediation, as in marital
mediation. In some cases, you will have no choice except to confront
an aggressive opponent. Win-win solutions (integrative) are fair,
optimal solutions between reasonable people; tough bargaining is with
an untrustworthy, self-serving opponent. In some cases, perhaps win-
win negotiating can be combined with tough bargaining methods, but
most of the time they are very different processes. It is probably
important to know both methods, however, and to be willing to get
tough (or empathic) if the situation calls for it. 
To resolve disagreements as fairly and peacefully as possible.
This may involve parent-child or marital conflicts,
disagreements at work, business transactions and many other
STEP ONE: Start with the right frame of mind.
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