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chosen or self-determined. Examples: true self-esteem and pride
comes when you study for joy, not just for grades; when you play
sports for fun, not for Dad's attention; when you do your job to help
others, not just to get paid. Also, your self-esteem grows in proportion
to your goodness, e.g. the self-esteem gotten from your glibness in
selling an over-priced product is less than that gotten by a caring
kindergarten teacher who is loved. When positive action, especially the
it-did-my-soul-good-to-do-that kind, comes from your true self, then
you will feel true self-esteem.
It is becoming clear that building self-esteem isn't just silencing
the unreasonable internal critic, accepting your faults, and
emphasizing your good traits. The healthy, confident, efficacious
person assumes responsibility for his/her life. The self becomes a
change agent, a self-helper. The task is to realize the self-
improvements you could make, to know how to make changes, and to
feel confident about your self-help ability. And...
Coopersmith (1967) suggested that high self-esteem requires two
things: setting high goals and some success in reaching your goals. In
other words, you must DO SOMETHING. Contrary to popular opinion,
self-esteem in children is not related to good looks, being tall, mother
being at home, and social or economic status of the family. Kids who
like themselves had parents who set high standards (yes, expected
politeness and housework, not "do your own thing"), showed respect
for the child (democratic decision-making where everyone is heard)
and showed love (not necessarily overtly but in terms of caring about
"how things are going"). You can't change the past but you can talk to
yourself. You can say such things as "don't be lazy just because you
were pampered as a child." You can DO SOMETHING!
If you assume responsibility for improving your life, if you learn to
have more control over your life, and if you put in time and effort on
good causes, you will like yourself better and others will admire you.
So, in a sense, all self-help enhances self-esteem. Conversely, self-
esteem facilitates self-help (Bandura, 1977b). For instance, good
students feel responsible for doing well while poor students blame
teachers, the school, or the tests (Coleman, 1966). Chapter 6 gives
several specific suggestions for countering feelings of inferiority. At the
very least, ask yourself "what do I fear doing that I would like to do?"
Then imagine overcoming that fear and make plans to develop these
skills.
Think of it this way. In addition to getting better at what you are
doing now, i.e. in your current life style, you might need to diversify.
For example, when a person specializes or concentrates too intensely,
as some say "putting all your eggs in one basket," there is a risk of
feeling and being adequate in only one way. (Perhaps persons who feel
inadequate tend to find a niche and stay there.) For instance, a mother
devotes herself exclusively to raising the family but feels useless and
lonely when the nest is empty; a secretary devotes her life to her job
but realizes in her 50's that she has given up too much for $1000 a
